I feel so guilty having these thoughts because of my daughter, my only child. She is my tether to this life. As much as I want to believe she'll always need me, I'm afraid she won't. I know she is needing me less and less. I can feel it. And the less she needs me, the easier it is to slip away...in spirit at least. Today i am so sad. I can not stop crying. I keep thinking of all the photos, videos, baby books, scrap books and such, of my grandmother, my mom, myself, and my daughter. I step back to look at the Big Picture and wonder where all these things fit in. I float above myself and look at the Big Picture, but can't see the meaning anymore. Michael said to "stop existing and start living." I've always felt like I was trying my best to do this. Even though I lived with an emptiness in my heart because I wasn't with my one love, Michael, I lived. But since He left the planet, I am definately existing, not living., not really. Even when I find myself in a situation of happiness, like a sweet conversation initiated by my daughter, or her getting a driver's permit, I feel slighted and sad. I miss her little-girl-love. I need it now more than ever. It's the one thin thread that keeps me attached to my body, keeps me from letting go and floating away.
It's Michael or McKenzie. I seem to have lost Michelle. Today it's all I can do to keep my eyes open and walk and not tumble to the floor. I do love Michael, McKenzie & my family for all time, but walls are absolutely crumbling down.