These days I enetertain "dark" thoughts more frequently. They are called "dark" by most people because most people believe suicide is a sin. I don't happen to be among them. Although, my thoughts are not really about suicide. They just seem like feelings of 'going' or 'becoming.' Becoming something other than this. Going to something other than this. Going to Michael, or just not wanting to be without Him any longer.
I feel so guilty having these thoughts because of my daughter, my only child. She is my tether to this life. As much as I want to believe she'll always need me, I'm afraid she won't. I know she is needing me less and less. I can feel it. And the less she needs me, the easier it is to slip away...in spirit at least. Today i am so sad. I can not stop crying. I keep thinking of all the photos, videos, baby books, scrap books and such, of my grandmother, my mom, myself, and my daughter. I step back to look at the Big Picture and wonder where all these things fit in. I float above myself and look at the Big Picture, but can't see the meaning anymore. Michael said to "stop existing and start living." I've always felt like I was trying my best to do this. Even though I lived with an emptiness in my heart because I wasn't with my one love, Michael, I lived. But since He left the planet, I am definately existing, not living., not really. Even when I find myself in a situation of happiness, like a sweet conversation initiated by my daughter, or her getting a driver's permit, I feel slighted and sad. I miss her little-girl-love. I need it now more than ever. It's the one thin thread that keeps me attached to my body, keeps me from letting go and floating away.
It's Michael or McKenzie. I seem to have lost Michelle. Today it's all I can do to keep my eyes open and walk and not tumble to the floor. I do love Michael, McKenzie & my family for all time, but walls are absolutely crumbling down.
I feel so guilty having these thoughts because of my daughter, my only child. She is my tether to this life. As much as I want to believe she'll always need me, I'm afraid she won't. I know she is needing me less and less. I can feel it. And the less she needs me, the easier it is to slip away...in spirit at least. Today i am so sad. I can not stop crying. I keep thinking of all the photos, videos, baby books, scrap books and such, of my grandmother, my mom, myself, and my daughter. I step back to look at the Big Picture and wonder where all these things fit in. I float above myself and look at the Big Picture, but can't see the meaning anymore. Michael said to "stop existing and start living." I've always felt like I was trying my best to do this. Even though I lived with an emptiness in my heart because I wasn't with my one love, Michael, I lived. But since He left the planet, I am definately existing, not living., not really. Even when I find myself in a situation of happiness, like a sweet conversation initiated by my daughter, or her getting a driver's permit, I feel slighted and sad. I miss her little-girl-love. I need it now more than ever. It's the one thin thread that keeps me attached to my body, keeps me from letting go and floating away.
It's Michael or McKenzie. I seem to have lost Michelle. Today it's all I can do to keep my eyes open and walk and not tumble to the floor. I do love Michael, McKenzie & my family for all time, but walls are absolutely crumbling down.
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