Michael Jackson Soul Warrior
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AUGUST 2014: 5 YEARS AND COUNTING..WE CELEBRATE YOUR BIRTH TODAY!

8/29/2014

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HAPPY BIRTHDAY SWEET MICHAEL
** Fighting in Syria.
** Fighting in Iraq.
** Hezbollah and al Qaeda terrorist groups.

** Africa Aug 13, 2014:  UN predicts more than 100,000 children will suffer from malnutrition         this year despite end of sectarian fighting.
** Ebola Virus outbreak in West Africa.
** Police violence and racial unrest in the U.S.
** Landslides, floods, kill hundreds, displace thousands in Nepal and India

 ** ISIS militants kill 300 MORE Yazidi men and kidnap their families



These headlines are terribly disturbing, and Michael said it best with the following poignant quote:

“We have to heal our wounded world. The chaos, despair, and senseless destruction we see today are a result of the alienation that people feel from each other and their environment.”   
~ Michael Jackson ~


 
These are but a few of the unsavory, nay, horrific, happenings around the world this August. It would be quite easy to become so disheartened that one loses the will to live. All my life I have ‘defended’ the world, saying things like: everything happens for a reason; something good comes after something bad; we just cannot know the real reason behind anything; it’s all part of the evolution of the planet; there are many more positive things in life than negative things; there is always a calm after a storm. Although I do believe those ideas; it’s harder to believe in them some days than others. However, I do love being an Earthling. This planet is beautiful, and amazing! The flora and fauna is so diverse, as are the minerals, rocks, and shells! With all this splendid earth magic, I have to believe that we won’t destroy it all. And I have to keep the faith that my daughter, and her children, will live to wonder in amazement, and wander through the beauty of it all. Michael said it best with this quote:


“In a world filled with hate, we must still dare to hope. In a world filled with anger, we must still dare to comfort. In a world filled with despair, we must still dare to dream. And in a world filled with distrust, we must still dare to believe…”
~ Michael Jackson ~


The month of August also brings tears to my eyes and a heaviness to my heart because it’s Michael’s birthday month.  Five years-plus without Him, and five is my birth number, and I was born at exactly 5PM. I’ve always celebrated the fact that Michael and I were both born on the 29th…Him in August, me in March. I have 29 letters in my name as well, which reinforces my love for this number, and my feeling of closeness to Michael…I grasp at any straw… This month, as has been my way every August, I think of Michael, and my stomach flips with love, longing, and regret. I used to think of Him with hopes and dreams, which turned into regret for never meeting Him. Now, that regret is compounded with the sadness of how He was taken from us so shamelessly, so cruelly. I grew up talking to God about Michael, and my overwhelming love for Him. The very first dream I ever had with Michael was when I was very young, and He and I were looking at God together. After Michael was taken from Earth, I was angry at God for a while. I was just so dammed sad, but I continue to thank God for Michael being born during my lifetime, on August 29, 1958. Most of the anger has subsided, but to this day I still question the how and why of this mysterious connection, my love, and the absence. However, Michael’s following quote gives me comfort:

“But for me the sweetest contact with God has no form. I close my eyes, look within, and enter a deep soft silence. The infinity of God's creation embraces me.”
~ Michael Jackson ~


This month has indeed been a rough month, but at the same time…for my family…it’s also been a busy, happy,
and momentous month. I am trying to reconcile both emotions in my mind…the yin-yang of it all…the difficult balance. We celebrated my mother’s birthday on the 8th. I feel lucky to have her, at 72, still in my life. She is an amazing mother and friend. She has always been in my corner. I know one day she will go, so I will enjoy and respect her TODAY as much as possible! We also celebrated my only child, and daughter’s birthday on the 11th. This b-day was bittersweet for me since she turned 18. I’m not ready for her to be so grown-up! I’m proud of her and love her terribly, but am sad at how fast she’s growing up. As much as I believe in her as a responsible young adult, I miss my little girl…the snuggling, the feeling that she really needed me every day. Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m an educated person, and I know this is the way of life. Intellectually, we want our children to grow-up, mature, and begin an autonomous life…..but my heart cannot help but feel the weight of it all. Knowing that this is the way life works, and feeling it in my heart, are two very different things! This next quote by Michael put these feelings in perspective for me:

“Human knowledge consists not only of libraries of parchment and ink - it is also comprised of the volumes of knowledge that are written on the human heart, chiseled on the human soul, and engraved on the human psyche. ”
~ Michael Jackson ~


 

HAPPY DAY OF BIRTH TO YOU…..SWEET SPIRIT…..SWEET MICHAEL…..MY MICHAEL

I celebrate you today, as I do every day.……....

 

 

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PERPLEXING CONNECTIONS

7/19/2014

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7-17-14

So, I feel the same way now…SEE…kid at heart. People might think this sounds too serious to be a kid-at-heart. But, on the contrary – this is how I have a young heart…my feelings are the same, so I must have a child’s heart. It’s weird because when I was a kid I felt like an adult in a kid’s body! You know, an old soul… Well, that’s the yin and yang of life, right? I am a New Age Child, but aren't we Old Souls...with the knowledge of how important it is to stay in touch with the child within? We seem to be children in search of a childhood. 

I haven’t really written about this before. The only reason I’m still alive on Earth is my daughter and mom. Mom and McKenzie would actually do quite fine without me…but part of me knows I need to be here for my mother, and part of me wants to be here to protect McKenzie for as long as possible.

I’m NOT going to kill myself. I’m not suicidal, but I still have little melt-downs quite often….confined to the shower, or driving alone, or in my bed in the dark. My breathing gets labored; I get a headache; my stomach flips; I cry....I feel confused....not in my skin...not in my body...

I love my mother, my daughter, my sister…and my father, (whom is no longer with us)…but I find myself approaching and interacting with them somewhat MORE detached than usual. As impossible as that seems to me, it's true.  I’m trying to be authentic and real, but my mind wanders to my missed love, Michael. My mind continues to wonder at the mystery of it all, and these perplexing connections of my life...
 



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Insides in a Knot

4/7/2013

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I had a very intense dream last night with Michael.
 A couple months ago I had one, but it seemed to have been interrupted, and my mind went blank as soon as my eyes opened. This was upsetting because I love remembering my dreams...especially Michael dreams. I was sad to have lost it. I've been worried lately about not having Michael visit me in my dreams and I've had a lot of other stuff on my mind...so my dreams have been VERY vivid...some so weird, some creepy, some scary...but all intense. Each night before I turn the bed light off, I put my head phones on (so I can press them tightly against my ears) and I listen to Michael singing. I love the slow songs, where I can actually hear Him taking breaths between words. Last night Michael came to me in a dream...as a child. We were both children in the dream. I've only had one other dream where He and I were children. That dream I had when I was a child myself. It was my first Michael dream, titled "Peeking At God." Anyway, last night Michael reminded me of the bond we share...the love. He reminded me of the beginning, of the "before time" feeling of our connection. It was an intense dream...ending in both of us crying. Not only was He reassuring me in the dream...I was reassuring Him. But the overall feeling was sadness at being apart. The tears made my face wet, and I remember the feeling of Him holding my hand and hugging me...looking into my eyes. I turned 51 on March 29, and of course I thought of Michael because we shared the number 29. I thought about how He almost made 51. He missed it by 2 months. I told people how strange it felt to be 51 because I remember my WHOLE life. I still feel like a kid...in spirit...so new to the world...A Kid At Heart, always. I believe Michael managed to get through my crazy dreams of late, and did it in the form of His child self...because that's what we all are.....children.....As a species we have such a long way to go. I don't know if I'll ever feel like a grown-up. I'm still wide-eyed and bushy-tailed! Michael was and is God's representative for the New Age of the Child. And I fell in love with Him (in this lifetime) when I was a child of 6 & 1/2...back in about 1969.....I miss Him so much. He is the only man that I have been in love with ever. I don't know how it was possible or "fair" of God to keep me from my only true love and soul mate. But I am grateful to Michael for visiting me in dreams and visions...to say "Hi. I love you too."

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EARTH DAY April 23, 2012

4/23/2012

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Michael loved trees!
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HAPPY EARTH DAY TO EVERYONE!
On Sunday, while folding a basket of clothes, I watched the movie with Keanu Reeves, "The Day The Earth Stood Still." I really love that show, and have seen it several times. It was a perfect reminder of Earth Day on Monday. There is so much to love and appreciate about our wonderful planet, yet so many are oblivious to its charms and beauty. It saddens and amazes me to think of so many people "zombie" walking through life and not even really seeing or living it. My greatest dream is that as a species we can come to a planetary decision to stop poisoning our water and air, and also to live in peace with one another. I want my daughter's future to be filled with hope and love and peace...and a healthy planet. That is my prayer for today.

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Valentine's Day Revisited

2/15/2012

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    Well, yesterday was Valentine’s Day…day for all the people who are in love with love! It’s a day for thinking about love, where we get it and how we give it. I know it can be a commercial nightmare, with the overpriced flowers, cards, and restaurant meals, but even knowing this still doesn’t detract from this day for
me. I like the idea of having a special day set aside for showing those around us that we love them…not to say we shouldn’t be doing this every day; we should. You don’t have to spend a fortune to say “I love you.” Sometimes love is simply
sitting alone in a car, in a dark parking lot, for 2 hours, while your teenage daughter and her boyfriend enjoy a wonderful meal in a fancy restaurant on a date! Sometimes love is simply taking half of your meal to go in a doggy bag, for your mom who is sitting in that parking lot, patiently waiting for you and your boyfriend! Love is when your daughter pauses at the top of the stairs and says, “Good night Mom; I love you. I had a wonderful time tonight. Thank-you so
much for driving us.” That’s love. 

    Love is weird. I know I love my mother, my father, and my sister. I miss Dad. I wish he was still here with us, with Mom. Jan. 21 marked a year without him. I think Mom& McKenzie miss him the most. He was like a father to McKenzie, with her dad living in Oregon. My sister and I have never gotten along great, but I only wish the best for her. She has a good heart, and she is my only little sis! My mom? Well, I can’t even think of life without her in it, period. But, the love for my daughter is so different. I want so badly to protect her and make sure she is safe and happy. Sometimes I have a wave of immense fear because I can’t see the future and know for CERTAIN she will be
happy and safe when I am gone. My consolation is that she is beautiful, highly intelligent, very talented, and extremely capable. We are a small family. She has no siblings, and I want her to never feel alone in life. I just hope one day she can feel a love of God, so she will truly never feel alone. She wasn’t raised religious because I wasn’t raised religious either. However, I was raised
spiritual, and so is she being raised. My unswerving belief in an afterlife has a lot to do with my love and belief about Michael. I do believe in God also, of some sort. I hope one day McKenzie will find something or someone that she can connect with and feel certain of an ethereal existence. She and I have conversations often centered on science and spirituality. I believe they go
hand-in-hand….. Fact & faith! We usually see things very similarly, so this gives me comfort. I hope she will one day see Michael as I do because she can find comfort in Him, through His music and poetry for the rest of her life. 
 
    I thought a lot about love yesterday. I have had many lovers in my life, but I can say that I was not really in love with any of them. It’s true I shared love with them, but I was not head-over-heels in love with them. I can confidently say that I have never been in love with another person on this
planet, except for Michael, and I knew it would be this way, since I was a little girl. I have known all my life that I would never be with my soul mate during this life time. I’m not unhappy though, just resolved. My love is for my family, my child, the animals & children of my planet, and my Michael…that seems enough for me.


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TREADING WATER (a Valentine's story)

2/13/2012

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*****
Let it be noted: This is a true story. This is a love story…love for life; love
for self; and love for my Beloved, the One. *****


      “Pssstpsst shhh shh pssst.” These were the sounds the darkness held. Her eyes popped opened as she looked around wildly for the source. Nothing and no one was obvious. She closed her eyes and did what… sleep? “Psst shhh psst psstshhhh pssst.” Bolting upright, her eyes flew open once again, and the sounds… whispers (?) stopped. Clinching her eyes tight, fighting against the terror of the disembodied around
her, she lay back down, refusing to acknowledge the “psssts” in the dark.  Sleep, or unconsciousness, must have won because she eventually awoke, as if from a dream that can’t quite be remembered. She was alone, yet she felt warm, safe, and somehow new. All around her was bustling activity, which she could hear and feel, though not
see. She felt no need to budge. The shapes moving about, when she could detect
any, were outlined by a “shimmer” in the air…yes; it was air that she felt moving across her skin. There seemed to be sweetness, almost a taste, to the gentle air. She must be outside, she thought to herself, but outside where, and from where and when had she been inside, if at all? Actually, the question that loomed over her was not so much where she was, but who she was.  Also, how, how did she even know to wonder about all this? To wonder who she was, and to wonder where to wander! She giggled to herself at the silly sound of this, as she sat there staring at the shimmering shapes and listening to the almost audible conversations, which no longer seemed to be directed at her. Was she a shimmering shape too? This thought struck her as funny, and she giggled again, loud enough to hear herself this time, which to tell the truth was a little startling. However, hearing herself made her want to feel herself also, so she folded her arms and squeezed her body. Well, she thought, now I know that I am indeed someone! Let’s see where this someone might get to, and she slowly moved away from her comfort zone.

     Impressions, knowledge, thoughts, questions, fears, and desires seem to fill her up as she moved forward. Moving forward seemed to be the general motion of all the “Shimmers,”which is what she was now calling the shapes. Almost everyone was flowing forward, but she began to sense some were only just “arriving.” Where was she? “A harbor?” she pondered. Yes, that’s it! A harbor! Some are coming; I am going.
Where? Why? But still, she walked forward with a curious ease. Her steps began
to lighten and she took on an almost happy air. No one spoke, but everyone
shimmered. She was positive now, there was something absolutely amazing about to
happen! Onward she went, without a care in the world, or so she thought. The
slope of the land began to slant downwards as her eyes began to make out a new
shimmering effect. It appeared to dance about and glow brighter the closer she
got to the bottom of the grassy land, and out from under the giant spiraling trees. Grinning brightly she stepped forward into this new glow, and that’s when everything changed. 

      The minute her bare toes touched water she dropped to the ground, paralyzed with fear! Memories rushed in, confusing and bad memories; memories of fear, thrashing, drowning, and death. Looking up, she saw the source of the new glow. It was the largest and brightest full moon she had ever seen. How could this beautiful dancing light be skipping across the surface of that deep, dark, unforgiving water? Staring up at Mistress Moon, Goddess communicated with her through this bright, all-seeing eye. She knew then what she had to do, so without hesitation, she reached out her hand, and someone guided her into a waiting boat. Still reeling from fear, she felt the boat shove off from the safety of the shore. In every fiber of her body, deep apprehension and dread clogged and stiffened her. The sound of slapping waves crashing against the little boat, and memories of thrashing arms in a desperate, but unsuccessful
attempt to stay afloat, kept her on the brink of screaming out loud into the night. Instead, she closed her eyes and tried to calm her breathing. 
 
      So, here she was again, a new life, an old decision. Nearly panic stricken, she
remembered what came next, and it frightened her, to death. This cannot be
happening! Not again! Will this be my destiny to forever repeat? Suddenly, she
remembered something from time-past, a quote: “
If you enter this world knowing you are loved and you leave this world knowing the same, then everything that happens in between can be dealt with.” Yes, His love. But, who is He? Where had He gone? What happened to their love? Her heart was nearly bursting. This all felt like a déjà vu from Hell. She knew something was missing. If only she could remember what was expected of her, maybe there would be a different outcome this time. What was she even talking about? She must be going crazy! She decided that not only was she crazy, but those supposed memories of Him were crazy too. All she had to do was, wait for the inevitable, and it would all be over...again. Is this really what she wanted? How could she, a Shimmery One, adrift in a boat, bathed in Goddess glow, heart overflowing with love for her Beloved, be so afraid? She felt so disconnected, and she instinctively knew deep down inside, that this was at the heart of her problem of living a dissatisfied and empty life. 
 
      For days, weeks, years, lifetimes, or maybe only minutes, she drifted, struggled, and choked upon the dark, choppy, open water, in perpetual night. Life, if memories served her, was very hard and complicated with so many problems. There were too many reasons to just give up. That would be simple, wouldn’t it? She felt utterly lost. Did she really believe she could do any better this time around? This must be Hell…not knowing…feeling only fear and self loathing…but always……wanting.  It was only after she had counted a million dots in the sky, with the sparkling waves splashing against the tiny boat that she made her decision and decided to live……again.


     So, she put her trust in Goddess, and once more, inevitably, the boat began to sink.
The thrashing of arms and legs, the sound of gulping and spewing water, the fear
began to take over. “No! Not again!” She screamed, through water-clogged choking, into the night. “I can’t do this again! Why am I here! What do you want from me!” she continued to yell at the dark. She was quite a sight, with her head bobbing up and down, first above then below the water’s surface, over and over. Letting fear have its ugly way again, she just drifted, barely alive, paralyzed into inaction, as was her way. Would she let this be the end again? Had she always given up so easily? What if…? What if she treaded water a bit longer? What if she wasn’t scared to actually give of herself and live? What if she was needed? What if she was worthy? What about Him? What if……? 
 
      With a little kick left in her legs, she threw back her head, smiled up at Goddess
shining above, and calm came over her, allowing her a moment’s clarity. She said
simply, to the One who might be, “I trust you, Beloved, and I am not afraid.”  

      It was at that very moment she felt something bump into her in the water. She wearily reached out, and found it was a rather small water-logged branch, but well large enough to support her weight. She laughed out loud as she clung to it, and Goddess just smiled all around her because she knew the adventure wasn’t over yet. On this Goddess-sent life raft, she alternated between drifting and kicking, but all the while with a smile because she had changed the script! Things were different. She
could  survive. She would survive! She wasn’t helpless after all. The outcome was for her to make good. And then? Well, and then she would find Him, love Him, cherish and honor Him. He needed her help, she knew, because there was so much to do! As one of the Shimmery Ones, it was up to her to help others face their fears. It was their responsibility to bring shimmer into the night for the ones lost and whispering in the dark. 
 
      No longer fighting the water or her life’s choices, she easily slipped into a
gentle current that she hadn’t even noticed was present before. So this is how
it felt to “go with the flow.” Funny how a simple shift in perspective can so
completely alter one’s course. Another quote filled her head, “
In
a world filled with despair, we must still dare to dream.”

She felt as though she was being compelled onward, drawn towards something.
Pumped up with adrenalin from thinking about all the possibilities and opportunities
that lay before her, she spotted it. At first she thought it was her imagination, as it was so far away. She squinted at it a long time, and then she just stared. Yes, she was right; it was a flickering light, a fire probably. Now she had a destination, and so she began to kick fiercely, empowered by her new positive outlook. Even with this surge of energy, it took quite a long time to propel her and the log closer and closer to the flickering Light of Hope, as she had lovingly come to think of it. During this time, while keeping her vision fixed on this flickering light, she had time to ponder the life changing
adventure she’d gone through: birth & rebirth, fear, life & death, struggles & conquests, Goddess & Beloved, and she couldn’t forget love, hope & perseverance. There could not have been a person alive who was more appreciative of these lessons learned, nor more anxious for a new, exciting future! However, she knew it would take much longer to thoroughly process it all, but she understood it well enough to be sure it was all about believing in oneself and trusting in the Divine. She would work out the details later! 
 
      As she neared the Light of Hope, she felt very happy and peaceful, confident she would now thrive in her new skin. But she was also understandably quite worn out. Finally, her feet dragged across solid ground in the water’s shallow edge. She crawled up the muddy bank, slippery with wet moss, and collapsed. The last thing she remembered was saying a prayer of thanks to Goddess as she stared at reflections of flames through a window. 
 
      It was warm near the fire, wrapped up in this soft blanket, but how had she gotten here? Had she actually been dreaming all along? Was she dreaming now? Suddenly, every memory rushed to the front of her mind: the darkness; Shimmers, the boat; the unbearable fear; the near drowning; Goddess; giving herself over to trust; her determination; her One, the log; the distant flickering flame; the muddy, mossy bank, and hope. While letting these memories wash over her, she began to realize that she wasn’t alone. Turning her head slowly to the left, she found herself looking into a face she recognized and knew, and into the deep, dark, eyes of her Beloved One. As her heart melted, she reached up and wiped a tear from His cheek. He smiled at her while poking at a log in the fire and said, “I’ve been waiting for you, my love.”

(c) Feb. 10, 2012 
E.M.Billeaudeaux
 
 


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Still Concerned

11/16/2011

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Well, I am glad that the trial is over. I hated having Michael's character questioned...yet again. HE was the one who lost His life...No scratch that. He didn't "lose" His life; It was TAKEN from Him. I'm so very happy that finger print evidence proved what we all knew already...He Did Not Give Himself Any Of The Propofol Injections! He didn't kill Himself. He loved His children, family, and planet too much to do that.
 
I do believe that He was having a lot of anxiety about the upcoming This Is It tour, making getting a good night's rest even harder. He was 50 years old, was somewhat out of practice, and was looking at 50 tour dates before Him. How daunting a task that must have felt. Michael was a perfectionist, always, and He was making this next, and last, tour an amazing event to behold.

Do I wish He wasn't using propofol? YES, of course I do! However, I know that some people defend Michael's decision to use propofol, saying that with proper monitoring it was fine. NO. I beg to differ. I love Michael so very much...and no one should ever question this.To question this is ludicrous! I first realized Michael had my heart in 1968, and that He'd had it for all time. I absolutely love, respect, and honor Him with all that I am! BUT, with that said, propofol is a drug to be used for surgery, not sleep. Someone obviously told Michael it'd be safe for Him. It wasn't. I wish someone in His life had loved Him enough to tell Him the truth and convince Him of another way to get rest. I know he did try various means of getting sleep, I just wish He hadn't resorted to the deadly propofol. 

 Anyway, I love Him, and do not like this being questioned, especially by someone who just "discovered" Him, and now feels they are an expert on everything Michael. He was desparate for a restful night's sleep....I get that, and I can definately sympathize with Him, as someone who has suffered from insomnia all my life. I am just still concerned about all the anger and hatred out there. I understand it, really I do! I miss Michael's presence on Earth more than I can explain to anyone. I've never been able to explain, or even fathom at times, my love for Him. I've been pondering this for about 45 years! i just know one thing for sure, and its that Michael was all about love & light. Our energy would better be served helping the planet through charities He loved

The thing I wish for most is closure for the family...as much as they can have closure. I'm finding it hard, so I can only imagine what they feel. At least Murray was found guilty, and it was proved that Michael DID NOT inject Himself. NONE of this will bring our Beloved Michael back to us, and I don't want to fill myself up with hatred and anger. I just continue to support various charities, as I've always done, but I've added a couple of Michael's favorite ones. :)  

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My Baby/My Life/My Love

9/18/2011

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Well,
      McKenzie, my baby, my daughter and only child, got her driver's permit when she turned 15 last month. Lately I can hardly look at her without crying. She is growing up so fast, and I feel her needing me less and less. I know this is the way of life, but it's not easy. I look back on my life, and my love, and I see much sadness. Don't get me wrong; I also have had happiness in my life, but it's like the happy times are shards of mirror, or pieces of a puzzle. 
      I had wonderful parents, and although we weren't rich, we weren't poor either, and I seem to have gotten most of my heart's desires. Mom and Dad were hard workers. We ate well, with fresh vegetables from their garden every year. Mom was/is a fantastic cook. One year Dad asked a friend of his to dress as Santa and come to our house for a special visit. He gave my sister and I each a doll we were asking for. I got a Baby Alive and Yvette got Crissy (with hair that grows).Oh boy, did we feel special! Santa in our own living room! Mom is a Leo, and truly has a lion's share of love in her heart for us. She has always been my biggest and most fierce champion. Dad was harder to relate to and get close to, but he loved us very much, and was known to work 2 jobs to provide the best for us. I am sad that he was taken from us in Jan. 2010. We miss him...(only 7 months after Michael left) My sister and I are quite different people, but I know she loves me, and I hope she knows I love her too. We do argue a lot, and definately have many differences. Maybe things will change when Mom is gone, and we only have each other. We are a small family. She never had any kids, and I only have one.
      It's just that, when I look back on the past 49 years, I am so very aware of the intense love and attraction and deep connection I've always felt for Michael. I always kept those feelings so private and seems like I kept waiting for some kind of realization or, I don't know, something meaningful to come to light. I really feel as though I have gone through life with a mask on. I don't think I have been my authentic self many times. I always have felt like a visitor, not a resident. It's hard to explain, but one constant was my knowing that I was connected to Michael. I have always known that I knew Him previous to this life. This understanding gave me as much pleasure as it did unhappiness. All my life I have had a huge secret saddness because I could not be with My Michael, my love. I always felt like I was supposed to be with Him, helping Him somehow, protecting Him. This sadness created a big hole inside me, and a feeling of aloneness. So, no matter how many times I felt a day of joy with family or friends, doing something happy and worthwhile, it was never enough...couldn't be enough, to fill the hole. It's an important part of my life here on Earth. I have lived my whole life missing someone. I know hearing all this would probably make my mom sad, and maybe even a little angry. She would say something about not wasting my life, but no one can possibly really understand this, because it's my life, and we can never truly know another. It just is what it is. I think all the time that if it wasn't for my daughter, and my super love for her, I might have tried to leave this world after Michael left. Maybe not, but the thought has crossed my mind many times over the past 2 years. I am sure Michael would say, "Absolutely not!" He was all about love and doing what was right, but this hole, you see, inside me keeps sucking
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    Author

    I'll be 57 on March 29th. I'm a daughter, sister & mom from Cecilia, Louisiana. By trade: an elementary teacher. By choice: a teacher of toddlers! I L~O~V~E Michael...always have...always will.

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