*****
Let it be noted: This is a true story. This is a love story…love for life; love
for self; and love for my Beloved, the One. *****


      “Pssstpsst shhh shh pssst.” These were the sounds the darkness held. Her eyes popped opened as she looked around wildly for the source. Nothing and no one was obvious. She closed her eyes and did what… sleep? “Psst shhh psst psstshhhh pssst.” Bolting upright, her eyes flew open once again, and the sounds… whispers (?) stopped. Clinching her eyes tight, fighting against the terror of the disembodied around
her, she lay back down, refusing to acknowledge the “psssts” in the dark.  Sleep, or unconsciousness, must have won because she eventually awoke, as if from a dream that can’t quite be remembered. She was alone, yet she felt warm, safe, and somehow new. All around her was bustling activity, which she could hear and feel, though not
see. She felt no need to budge. The shapes moving about, when she could detect
any, were outlined by a “shimmer” in the air…yes; it was air that she felt moving across her skin. There seemed to be sweetness, almost a taste, to the gentle air. She must be outside, she thought to herself, but outside where, and from where and when had she been inside, if at all? Actually, the question that loomed over her was not so much where she was, but who she was.  Also, how, how did she even know to wonder about all this? To wonder who she was, and to wonder where to wander! She giggled to herself at the silly sound of this, as she sat there staring at the shimmering shapes and listening to the almost audible conversations, which no longer seemed to be directed at her. Was she a shimmering shape too? This thought struck her as funny, and she giggled again, loud enough to hear herself this time, which to tell the truth was a little startling. However, hearing herself made her want to feel herself also, so she folded her arms and squeezed her body. Well, she thought, now I know that I am indeed someone! Let’s see where this someone might get to, and she slowly moved away from her comfort zone.

     Impressions, knowledge, thoughts, questions, fears, and desires seem to fill her up as she moved forward. Moving forward seemed to be the general motion of all the “Shimmers,”which is what she was now calling the shapes. Almost everyone was flowing forward, but she began to sense some were only just “arriving.” Where was she? “A harbor?” she pondered. Yes, that’s it! A harbor! Some are coming; I am going.
Where? Why? But still, she walked forward with a curious ease. Her steps began
to lighten and she took on an almost happy air. No one spoke, but everyone
shimmered. She was positive now, there was something absolutely amazing about to
happen! Onward she went, without a care in the world, or so she thought. The
slope of the land began to slant downwards as her eyes began to make out a new
shimmering effect. It appeared to dance about and glow brighter the closer she
got to the bottom of the grassy land, and out from under the giant spiraling trees. Grinning brightly she stepped forward into this new glow, and that’s when everything changed. 

      The minute her bare toes touched water she dropped to the ground, paralyzed with fear! Memories rushed in, confusing and bad memories; memories of fear, thrashing, drowning, and death. Looking up, she saw the source of the new glow. It was the largest and brightest full moon she had ever seen. How could this beautiful dancing light be skipping across the surface of that deep, dark, unforgiving water? Staring up at Mistress Moon, Goddess communicated with her through this bright, all-seeing eye. She knew then what she had to do, so without hesitation, she reached out her hand, and someone guided her into a waiting boat. Still reeling from fear, she felt the boat shove off from the safety of the shore. In every fiber of her body, deep apprehension and dread clogged and stiffened her. The sound of slapping waves crashing against the little boat, and memories of thrashing arms in a desperate, but unsuccessful
attempt to stay afloat, kept her on the brink of screaming out loud into the night. Instead, she closed her eyes and tried to calm her breathing. 
 
      So, here she was again, a new life, an old decision. Nearly panic stricken, she
remembered what came next, and it frightened her, to death. This cannot be
happening! Not again! Will this be my destiny to forever repeat? Suddenly, she
remembered something from time-past, a quote: “If you enter this world knowing you are loved and you leave this world knowing the same, then everything that happens in between can be dealt with.” Yes, His love. But, who is He? Where had He gone? What happened to their love? Her heart was nearly bursting. This all felt like a déjà vu from Hell. She knew something was missing. If only she could remember what was expected of her, maybe there would be a different outcome this time. What was she even talking about? She must be going crazy! She decided that not only was she crazy, but those supposed memories of Him were crazy too. All she had to do was, wait for the inevitable, and it would all be over...again. Is this really what she wanted? How could she, a Shimmery One, adrift in a boat, bathed in Goddess glow, heart overflowing with love for her Beloved, be so afraid? She felt so disconnected, and she instinctively knew deep down inside, that this was at the heart of her problem of living a dissatisfied and empty life. 
 
      For days, weeks, years, lifetimes, or maybe only minutes, she drifted, struggled, and choked upon the dark, choppy, open water, in perpetual night. Life, if memories served her, was very hard and complicated with so many problems. There were too many reasons to just give up. That would be simple, wouldn’t it? She felt utterly lost. Did she really believe she could do any better this time around? This must be Hell…not knowing…feeling only fear and self loathing…but always……wanting.  It was only after she had counted a million dots in the sky, with the sparkling waves splashing against the tiny boat that she made her decision and decided to live……again.


     So, she put her trust in Goddess, and once more, inevitably, the boat began to sink.
The thrashing of arms and legs, the sound of gulping and spewing water, the fear
began to take over. “No! Not again!” She screamed, through water-clogged choking, into the night. “I can’t do this again! Why am I here! What do you want from me!” she continued to yell at the dark. She was quite a sight, with her head bobbing up and down, first above then below the water’s surface, over and over. Letting fear have its ugly way again, she just drifted, barely alive, paralyzed into inaction, as was her way. Would she let this be the end again? Had she always given up so easily? What if…? What if she treaded water a bit longer? What if she wasn’t scared to actually give of herself and live? What if she was needed? What if she was worthy? What about Him? What if……? 
 
      With a little kick left in her legs, she threw back her head, smiled up at Goddess
shining above, and calm came over her, allowing her a moment’s clarity. She said
simply, to the One who might be, “I trust you, Beloved, and I am not afraid.”  

      It was at that very moment she felt something bump into her in the water. She wearily reached out, and found it was a rather small water-logged branch, but well large enough to support her weight. She laughed out loud as she clung to it, and Goddess just smiled all around her because she knew the adventure wasn’t over yet. On this Goddess-sent life raft, she alternated between drifting and kicking, but all the while with a smile because she had changed the script! Things were different. She could  survive. She would survive! She wasn’t helpless after all. The outcome was for her to make good. And then? Well, and then she would find Him, love Him, cherish and honor Him. He needed her help, she knew, because there was so much to do! As one of the Shimmery Ones, it was up to her to help others face their fears. It was their responsibility to bring shimmer into the night for the ones lost and whispering in the dark. 
 
      No longer fighting the water or her life’s choices, she easily slipped into a
gentle current that she hadn’t even noticed was present before. So this is how
it felt to “go with the flow.” Funny how a simple shift in perspective can so
completely alter one’s course. Another quote filled her head, “In
a world filled with despair, we must still dare to dream.”
She felt as though she was being compelled onward, drawn towards something.
Pumped up with adrenalin from thinking about all the possibilities and opportunities
that lay before her, she spotted it. At first she thought it was her imagination, as it was so far away. She squinted at it a long time, and then she just stared. Yes, she was right; it was a flickering light, a fire probably. Now she had a destination, and so she began to kick fiercely, empowered by her new positive outlook. Even with this surge of energy, it took quite a long time to propel her and the log closer and closer to the flickering Light of Hope, as she had lovingly come to think of it. During this time, while keeping her vision fixed on this flickering light, she had time to ponder the life changing
adventure she’d gone through: birth & rebirth, fear, life & death, struggles & conquests, Goddess & Beloved, and she couldn’t forget love, hope & perseverance. There could not have been a person alive who was more appreciative of these lessons learned, nor more anxious for a new, exciting future! However, she knew it would take much longer to thoroughly process it all, but she understood it well enough to be sure it was all about believing in oneself and trusting in the Divine. She would work out the details later! 
 
      As she neared the Light of Hope, she felt very happy and peaceful, confident she would now thrive in her new skin. But she was also understandably quite worn out. Finally, her feet dragged across solid ground in the water’s shallow edge. She crawled up the muddy bank, slippery with wet moss, and collapsed. The last thing she remembered was saying a prayer of thanks to Goddess as she stared at reflections of flames through a window. 
 
      It was warm near the fire, wrapped up in this soft blanket, but how had she gotten here? Had she actually been dreaming all along? Was she dreaming now? Suddenly, every memory rushed to the front of her mind: the darkness; Shimmers, the boat; the unbearable fear; the near drowning; Goddess; giving herself over to trust; her determination; her One, the log; the distant flickering flame; the muddy, mossy bank, and hope. While letting these memories wash over her, she began to realize that she wasn’t alone. Turning her head slowly to the left, she found herself looking into a face she recognized and knew, and into the deep, dark, eyes of her Beloved One. As her heart melted, she reached up and wiped a tear from His cheek. He smiled at her while poking at a log in the fire and said, “I’ve been waiting for you, my love.”

(c) Feb. 10, 2012 
E.M.Billeaudeaux
 
 

Well, I am glad that the trial is over. I hated having Michael's character questioned...yet again. HE was the one who lost His life...No scratch that. He didn't "lose" His life; It was TAKEN from Him. I'm so very happy that finger print evidence proved what we all knew already...He Did Not Give Himself Any Of The Propofol Injections! He didn't kill Himself. He loved His children, family, and planet too much to do that.
 
I do believe that He was having a lot of anxiety about the upcoming This Is It tour, making getting a good night's rest even harder. He was 50 years old, was somewhat out of practice, and was looking at 50 tour dates before Him. How daunting a task that must have felt. Michael was a perfectionist, always, and He was making this next, and last, tour an amazing event to behold.

Do I wish He wasn't using propofol? YES, of course I do! However, I know that some people defend Michael's decision to use propofol, saying that with proper monitoring it was fine. NO. I beg to differ. I love Michael so very much...and no one should ever question this.To question this is ludicrous! I first realized Michael had my heart in 1968, and that He'd had it for all time. I absolutely love, respect, and honor Him with all that I am! BUT, with that said, propofol is a drug to be used for surgery, not sleep. Someone obviously told Michael it'd be safe for Him. It wasn't. I wish someone in His life had loved Him enough to tell Him the truth and convince Him of another way to get rest. I know he did try various means of getting sleep, I just wish He hadn't resorted to the deadly propofol. 

 Anyway, I love Him, and do not like this being questioned, especially by someone who just "discovered" Him, and now feels they are an expert on everything Michael. He was desparate for a restful night's sleep....I get that, and I can definately sympathize with Him, as someone who has suffered from insomnia all my life. I am just still concerned about all the anger and hatred out there. I understand it, really I do! I miss Michael's presence on Earth more than I can explain to anyone. I've never been able to explain, or even fathom at times, my love for Him. I've been pondering this for about 45 years! i just know one thing for sure, and its that Michael was all about love & light. Our energy would better be served helping the planet through charities He loved

The thing I wish for most is closure for the family...as much as they can have closure. I'm finding it hard, so I can only imagine what they feel. At least Murray was found guilty, and it was proved that Michael DID NOT inject Himself. NONE of this will bring our Beloved Michael back to us, and I don't want to fill myself up with hatred and anger. I just continue to support various charities, as I've always done, but I've added a couple of Michael's favorite ones. :)  

Well,
      McKenzie, my baby, my daughter and only child, got her driver's permit when she turned 15 last month. Lately I can hardly look at her without crying. She is growing up so fast, and I feel her needing me less and less. I know this is the way of life, but it's not easy. I look back on my life, and my love, and I see much sadness. Don't get me wrong; I also have had happiness in my life, but it's like the happy times are shards of mirror, or pieces of a puzzle. 
      I had wonderful parents, and although we weren't rich, we weren't poor either, and I seem to have gotten most of my heart's desires. Mom and Dad were hard workers. We ate well, with fresh vegetables from their garden every year. Mom was/is a fantastic cook. One year Dad asked a friend of his to dress as Santa and come to our house for a special visit. He gave my sister and I each a doll we were asking for. I got a Baby Alive and Yvette got Crissy (with hair that grows).Oh boy, did we feel special! Santa in our own living room! Mom is a Leo, and truly has a lion's share of love in her heart for us. She has always been my biggest and most fierce champion. Dad was harder to relate to and get close to, but he loved us very much, and was known to work 2 jobs to provide the best for us. I am sad that he was taken from us in Jan. 2010. We miss him...(only 7 months after Michael left) My sister and I are quite different people, but I know she loves me, and I hope she knows I love her too. We do argue a lot, and definately have many differences. Maybe things will change when Mom is gone, and we only have each other. We are a small family. She never had any kids, and I only have one.
      It's just that, when I look back on the past 49 years, I am so very aware of the intense love and attraction and deep connection I've always felt for Michael. I always kept those feelings so private and seems like I kept waiting for some kind of realization or, I don't know, something meaningful to come to light. I really feel as though I have gone through life with a mask on. I don't think I have been my authentic self many times. I always have felt like a visitor, not a resident. It's hard to explain, but one constant was my knowing that I was connected to Michael. I have always known that I knew Him previous to this life. This understanding gave me as much pleasure as it did unhappiness. All my life I have had a huge secret saddness because I could not be with My Michael, my love. I always felt like I was supposed to be with Him, helping Him somehow, protecting Him. This sadness created a big hole inside me, and a feeling of aloneness. So, no matter how many times I felt a day of joy with family or friends, doing something happy and worthwhile, it was never enough...couldn't be enough, to fill the hole. It's an important part of my life here on Earth. I have lived my whole life missing someone. I know hearing all this would probably make my mom sad, and maybe even a little angry. She would say something about not wasting my life, but no one can possibly really understand this, because it's my life, and we can never truly know another. It just is what it is. I think all the time that if it wasn't for my daughter, and my super love for her, I might have tried to leave this world after Michael left. Maybe not, but the thought has crossed my mind many times over the past 2 years. I am sure Michael would say, "Absolutely not!" He was all about love and doing what was right, but this hole, you see, inside me keeps sucking