Category: Family

PERPLEXING CONNECTIONS

7/19/2014

7-17-14

So, I feel the same way now…SEE…kid at heart. People might think this sounds too serious to be a kid-at-heart. But, on the contrary – this is how I have a young heart…my feelings are the same, so I must have a child’s heart. It’s weird because when I was a kid I felt like an adult in a kid’s body! You know, an old soul… Well, that’s the yin and yang of life, right? I am a New Age Child, but aren't we Old Souls...with the knowledge of how important it is to stay in touch with the child within? We seem to be children in search of a childhood.

I haven’t really written about this before. The only reason I’m still alive on Earth is my daughter and mom. Mom and McKenzie would actually do quite fine without me…but part of me knows I need to be here for my mother, and part of me wants to be here to protect McKenzie for as long as possible.

I’m NOT going to kill myself. I’m not suicidal, but I still have little melt-downs quite often….confined to the shower, or driving alone, or in my bed in the dark. My breathing gets labored; I get a headache; my stomach flips; I cry....I feel confused....not in my skin...not in my body...

I love my mother, my daughter, my sister…and my father, (whom is no longer with us)…but I find myself approaching and interacting with them somewhat MORE detached than usual. As impossible as that seems to me, it's true. I’m trying to be authentic and real, but my mind wanders to my missed love, Michael. My mind continues to wonder at the mystery of it all, and these perplexing connections of my life...

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5 YEARS ..... A SHELL

7/12/2014

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I’ve felt like a shell my whole life…like my insides are disconnected. There’s a live, raw, wire in there. I’m missing a ground wire…..Michael was it. Having a baby in my 30’s has given me some relief for the past 20 years…thank God, because I think I would have imploded after June 25, 2009 otherwise.

The past 5 years has been worse. That shell is more fragile. The live, raw, wire, more frayed. Watching my only child grow up these past 17+ years has been THE ONLY thing keeping me “sane.” Making sure her life goes well, and she is happy and healthy, is what gives me the biggest purpose. Writing my first book in 2009 was very purposeful also. Other than bringing McKenzie into the world, it’s the next most important thing I’ve ever done. But she is growing up…and away from me…

Somehow, this makes me feel even more like a shell. I’ve tried my whole life to be normal and happy, sometimes for actual, intrinsic, reasons, but mostly simply for outward appearances….because I’ve always been longing for Michael…wondering about Michael…lit up inside only for Michael --- sad really, most of my life. My memories show me that I’ve been mostly faking happiness all my life….faking normalcy. Of course I do have happy memories. My parents (especially Mom) worked hard to give these to me. But I always felt like an outsider…a foreigner in my own body even. I’ve felt like this since at least Kindergarten. This is at age 5. I have memories of not wanting to sit at tables with other kids. I remember my teacher, Mrs. Faulk, encouraging me to play with other kids, and me not wanting to. I still remember my home address: 123 Arizona Street.

That feeling of being separate and different never left me. I felt lonely and outcast all my life…with no ‘apparent’ reason for it. I made good-to-great grades in school. I was usually on the honor roll. There were many children whom tried to be my friend. I had a few, but mostly felt like I had to have friends…not that I really wanted them. I have never really “clicked deeply” with any one person. Weird.

I believe I was born into my life already in love with Michael. I consciously remember becoming aware of Him; how much I loved Him, and how much it felt like I already knew Him. This was when I was about 6 &1/2 years old…around 1969. I don’t remember knowing anything about Michael Jackson when I was 5, but maybe I’d heard a song, or saw a photo by then. Or maybe, and this is what I think; it was past memories of Him…of us…in some capacity. I was always a serious kid, you know, contemplative. I wondered a lot about where we come from and where our spirit went after death. I always believed we had souls/spirits, but I did not always believe in the Catholic…or even Christian, doctrine. I had lots of questions. I felt like an adult in a kid’s body. I was raised Catholic and christened when I was a baby, but was never a believer, nor ever considered Christ my savior. I actually had a lot of animosity towards the church, even as a young girl.

As an example of my serious, contemplative, and rebellious nature: One morning at St. Peter’s Catholic Primary school, while in 3rd grade as an 8 year old, I decided to refuse to stand and say the Pledge of Allegiance and The Lord’s Prayer out loud…like we did every morning. I’d finally made my mind up about the pompass, pondering, patriarchal, pontificating, priests. So, I refused to go along as I’d done for 3 years. Making the sign of the cross with the Holy Trinity, I’d noticed we said: In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. I used to ask my mom, “Where’s the mother and sister?” Hmm? Sounded like a ‘good ole boy network’ to me. NO FEMALES ALLOWED! Well, by 8 years old I knew that was a load of crap. Plus, I knew that MY Holy Trinity was way cooler than theirs. It was Mother, Father, and Child. Simply beautiful.

So you see, my mind has been pretty darn clear on the subject of spirituality; religion; right and wrong; love and hate; needs; rules; and idiotic notions of living with blinders on.

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Valentine's Day Revisited

2/15/2012

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    Well, yesterday was Valentine’s Day…day for all the people who are in love with love! It’s a day for thinking about love, where we get it and how we give it. I know it can be a commercial nightmare, with the overpriced flowers, cards, and restaurant meals, but even knowing this still doesn’t detract from this day for
me. I like the idea of having a special day set aside for showing those around us that we love them…not to say we shouldn’t be doing this every day; we should. You don’t have to spend a fortune to say “I love you.” Sometimes love is simply
sitting alone in a car, in a dark parking lot, for 2 hours, while your teenage daughter and her boyfriend enjoy a wonderful meal in a fancy restaurant on a date! Sometimes love is simply taking half of your meal to go in a doggy bag, for your mom who is sitting in that parking lot, patiently waiting for you and your boyfriend! Love is when your daughter pauses at the top of the stairs and says, “Good night Mom; I love you. I had a wonderful time tonight. Thank-you so much for driving us.” That’s love.

    Love is weird. I know I love my mother, my father, and my sister. I miss Dad. I wish he was still here with us, with Mom. Jan. 21 marked a year without him. I think Mom& McKenzie miss him the most. He was like a father to McKenzie, with her dad living in Oregon. My sister and I have never gotten along great, but I only wish the best for her. She has a good heart, and she is my only little sis! My mom? Well, I can’t even think of life without her in it, period. But, the love for my daughter is so different. I want so badly to protect her and make sure she is safe and happy. Sometimes I have a wave of immense fear because I can’t see the future and know for CERTAIN she will be
happy and safe when I am gone. My consolation is that she is beautiful, highly intelligent, very talented, and extremely capable. We are a small family. She has no siblings, and I want her to never feel alone in life. I just hope one day she can feel a love of God, so she will truly never feel alone. She wasn’t raised religious because I wasn’t raised religious either. However, I was raised
spiritual, and so is she being raised. My unswerving belief in an afterlife has a lot to do with my love and belief about Michael. I do believe in God also, of some sort. I hope one day McKenzie will find something or someone that she can connect with and feel certain of an ethereal existence. She and I have conversations often centered on science and spirituality. I believe they go
hand-in-hand….. Fact & faith! We usually see things very similarly, so this gives me comfort. I hope she will one day see Michael as I do because she can find comfort in Him, through His music and poetry for the rest of her life.

    I thought a lot about love yesterday. I have had many lovers in my life, but I can say that I was not really in love with any of them. It’s true I shared love with them, but I was not head-over-heels in love with them. I can confidently say that I have never been in love with another person on this
planet, except for Michael, and I knew it would be this way, since I was a little girl. I have known all my life that I would never be with my soul mate during this life time. I’m not unhappy though, just resolved. My love is for my family, my child, the animals & children of my planet, and my Michael…that seems enough for me.

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WOW, Time Does Fly!

2/2/2012

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Well, this was FUN!
    Everyone, including the principal, was watching this car with the huge metallic, green, bow drive up. They were all reading the giant gift tag hanging from the car reading: "To McKenzie.. Happy "late" New Year! We love you!" Her boyfriend saw it first and motioned to her. She looked up and flushed bright red as a crawfish!

     Boy, was she surprised! It's a great car, an older model Toyota Camry, but in excellent shape. It came with an MP3 CD player, stereo. We added: beautiful peacock feather steering wheel and seat covers, an organizer for hanging on back of seat, new car mats, a lighted spoiler for the trunk, a new shiny bumper, sun visors for above all 4 windows, and a sun decal for the hood. We also had it detailed inside and out. it really looks fantastic!

      I know she's only 15 and has a permit right now, but by next August she will have her license and need a car. This was too good a deal to pass up. We let her drive us everywhere anyway, so now she can do it in her own car! :)

       McKenzie is a good girl, a little moody at times, but she IS a teenager, afterall! Her grades in school have ALWAYS been excellent...actually only a few B's all throughout the years. She just got a paper from school telling her because of her grades and ranking, she is concidered in the "Selective" category for university recruitment! YES! It felt so good being able to do this for her..... My "BABY" is growing up!

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My Baby/My Life/My Love

9/18/2011

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Well,
      McKenzie, my baby, my daughter and only child, got her driver's permit when she turned 15 last month. Lately I can hardly look at her without crying. She is growing up so fast, and I feel her needing me less and less. I know this is the way of life, but it's not easy. I look back on my life, and my love, and I see much sadness. Don't get me wrong; I also have had happiness in my life, but it's like the happy times are shards of mirror, or pieces of a puzzle.
      I had wonderful parents, and although we weren't rich, we weren't poor either, and I seem to have gotten most of my heart's desires. Mom and Dad were hard workers. We ate well, with fresh vegetables from their garden every year. Mom was/is a fantastic cook. One year Dad asked a friend of his to dress as Santa and come to our house for a special visit. He gave my sister and I each a doll we were asking for. I got a Baby Alive and Yvette got Crissy (with hair that grows).Oh boy, did we feel special! Santa in our own living room! Mom is a Leo, and truly has a lion's share of love in her heart for us. She has always been my biggest and most fierce champion. Dad was harder to relate to and get close to, but he loved us very much, and was known to work 2 jobs to provide the best for us. I am sad that he was taken from us in Jan. 2010. We miss him...(only 7 months after Michael left) My sister and I are quite different people, but I know she loves me, and I hope she knows I love her too. We do argue a lot, and definately have many differences. Maybe things will change when Mom is gone, and we only have each other. We are a small family. She never had any kids, and I only have one.
      It's just that, when I look back on the past 49 years, I am so very aware of the intense love and attraction and deep connection I've always felt for Michael. I always kept those feelings so private and seems like I kept waiting for some kind of realization or, I don't know, something meaningful to come to light. I really feel as though I have gone through life with a mask on. I don't think I have been my authentic self many times. I always have felt like a visitor, not a resident. It's hard to explain, but one constant was my knowing that I was connected to Michael. I have always known that I knew Him previous to this life. This understanding gave me as much pleasure as it did unhappiness. All my life I have had a huge secret saddness because I could not be with My Michael, my love. I always felt like I was supposed to be with Him, helping Him somehow, protecting Him. This sadness created a big hole inside me, and a feeling of aloneness. So, no matter how many times I felt a day of joy with family or friends, doing something happy and worthwhile, it was never enough...couldn't be enough, to fill the hole. It's an important part of my life here on Earth. I have lived my whole life missing someone. I know hearing all this would probably make my mom sad, and maybe even a little angry. She would say something about not wasting my life, but no one can possibly really understand this, because it's my life, and we can never truly know another. It just is what it is. I think all the time that if it wasn't for my daughter, and my super love for her, I might have tried to leave this world after Michael left. Maybe not, but the thought has crossed my mind many times over the past 2 years. I am sure Michael would say, "Absolutely not!" He was all about love and doing what was right, but this hole, you see, inside me keeps sucking

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PERPLEXING CONNECTIONS

5 YEARS ..... A SHELL

Valentine's Day Revisited

WOW, Time Does Fly!

My Baby/My Life/My Love

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