McKenzie, my baby, my daughter and only child, got her driver's permit when she turned 15 last month. Lately I can hardly look at her without crying. She is growing up so fast, and I feel her needing me less and less. I know this is the way of life, but it's not easy. I look back on my life, and my love, and I see much sadness. Don't get me wrong; I also have had happiness in my life, but it's like the happy times are shards of mirror, or pieces of a puzzle.
I had wonderful parents, and although we weren't rich, we weren't poor either, and I seem to have gotten most of my heart's desires. Mom and Dad were hard workers. We ate well, with fresh vegetables from their garden every year. Mom was/is a fantastic cook. One year Dad asked a friend of his to dress as Santa and come to our house for a special visit. He gave my sister and I each a doll we were asking for. I got a Baby Alive and Yvette got Crissy (with hair that grows).Oh boy, did we feel special! Santa in our own living room! Mom is a Leo, and truly has a lion's share of love in her heart for us. She has always been my biggest and most fierce champion. Dad was harder to relate to and get close to, but he loved us very much, and was known to work 2 jobs to provide the best for us. I am sad that he was taken from us in Jan. 2010. We miss him...(only 7 months after Michael left) My sister and I are quite different people, but I know she loves me, and I hope she knows I love her too. We do argue a lot, and definately have many differences. Maybe things will change when Mom is gone, and we only have each other. We are a small family. She never had any kids, and I only have one.
It's just that, when I look back on the past 49 years, I am so very aware of the intense love and attraction and deep connection I've always felt for Michael. I always kept those feelings so private and seems like I kept waiting for some kind of realization or, I don't know, something meaningful to come to light. I really feel as though I have gone through life with a mask on. I don't think I have been my authentic self many times. I always have felt like a visitor, not a resident. It's hard to explain, but one constant was my knowing that I was connected to Michael. I have always known that I knew Him previous to this life. This understanding gave me as much pleasure as it did unhappiness. All my life I have had a huge secret saddness because I could not be with My Michael, my love. I always felt like I was supposed to be with Him, helping Him somehow, protecting Him. This sadness created a big hole inside me, and a feeling of aloneness. So, no matter how many times I felt a day of joy with family or friends, doing something happy and worthwhile, it was never enough...couldn't be enough, to fill the hole. It's an important part of my life here on Earth. I have lived my whole life missing someone. I know hearing all this would probably make my mom sad, and maybe even a little angry. She would say something about not wasting my life, but no one can possibly really understand this, because it's my life, and we can never truly know another. It just is what it is. I think all the time that if it wasn't for my daughter, and my super love for her, I might have tried to leave this world after Michael left. Maybe not, but the thought has crossed my mind many times over the past 2 years. I am sure Michael would say, "Absolutely not!" He was all about love and doing what was right, but this hole, you see, inside me keeps sucking