FLABBERGASTED, BEFUDDLED 
AND IN LOVE    ©8-29-15

       It’s still hard to believe…or understand. Even I question it, and I’m living it. I don’t expect to fully understand, but it’s so hard living with only partial knowledge. That’s the thoughts I have quite often…Believing in multiple dimensions and life after life...You think I'd feel happy or at least secure, knowing I will see Michael again, but that knowledge doesn't really offer much comfort.
       But…Then just as quickly, I believe that I actually DO understand. I feel I know all about Him and me, and always have. The trouble is that I can’t remember the beginning. I cannot remember the first few minutes, of the very first time. It’s frustrating, and that makes me feel a little crazy, or confused, or doubtful. But I am living it, and I do see the big picture…so I believe, Michael, I do.

He makes me feel hot…He makes me feel cool…He makes me feel giddy…He makes me feel love…He makes me feel light…He makes me feel…..umm……. GodSex!

*GODSEX* *SOULWARRIOR* *SPICEBODY* *SISTERBROTHER* *MAGICMAN*

*WINDTALKER* *CELESTIALGUIDE* *SPIRITLOVER* *MOONWALKER*

*BRIGHTHEART*

 

** Fighting in Syria.
** Fighting in Iraq.
** Hezbollah and al Qaeda terrorist groups.
** Africa Aug 13, 2014:  UN predicts more than 100,000 children will suffer from malnutrition         this year despite end of sectarian fighting.
** Ebola Virus outbreak in West Africa.
** Police violence and racial unrest in the U.S.
** Landslides, floods, kill hundreds, displace thousands in Nepal and India
 ** ISIS militants kill 300 MORE Yazidi men and kidnap their families



These headlines are terribly disturbing, and Michael said it best with the following poignant quote:

“We have to heal our wounded world. The chaos, despair, and senseless destruction we see today are a result of the alienation that people feel from each other and their environment.”   
~ Michael Jackson ~

 
These are but a few of the unsavory, nay, horrific, happenings around the world this August. It would be quite easy to become so disheartened that one loses the will to live. All my life I have ‘defended’ the world, saying things like: everything happens for a reason; something good comes after something bad; we just cannot know the real reason behind anything; it’s all part of the evolution of the planet; there are many more positive things in life than negative things; there is always a calm after a storm. Although I do believe those ideas; it’s harder to believe in them some days than others. However, I do love being an Earthling. This planet is beautiful, and amazing! The flora and fauna is so diverse, as are the minerals, rocks, and shells! With all this splendid earth magic, I have to believe that we won’t destroy it all. And I have to keep the faith that my daughter, and her children, will live to wonder in amazement, and wander through the beauty of it all. Michael said it best with this quote:

“In a world filled with hate, we must still dare to hope. In a world filled with anger, we must still dare to comfort. In a world filled with despair, we must still dare to dream. And in a world filled with distrust, we must still dare to believe…”
~ Michael Jackson ~

The month of August also brings tears to my eyes and a heaviness to my heart because it’s Michael’s birthday month.  Five years-plus without Him, and five is my birth number, and I was born at exactly 5PM. I’ve always celebrated the fact that Michael and I were both born on the 29th…Him in August, me in March. I have 29 letters in my name as well, which reinforces my love for this number, and my feeling of closeness to Michael…I grasp at any straw… This month, as has been my way every August, I think of Michael, and my stomach flips with love, longing, and regret. I used to think of Him with hopes and dreams, which turned into regret for never meeting Him. Now, that regret is compounded with the sadness of how He was taken from us so shamelessly, so cruelly. I grew up talking to God about Michael, and my overwhelming love for Him. The very first dream I ever had with Michael was when I was very young, and He and I were looking at God together. After Michael was taken from Earth, I was angry at God for a while. I was just so dammed sad, but I continue to thank God for Michael being born during my lifetime, on August 29, 1958. Most of the anger has subsided, but to this day I still question the how and why of this mysterious connection, my love, and the absence. However, Michael’s following quote gives me comfort:

“But for me the sweetest contact with God has no form. I close my eyes, look within, and enter a deep soft silence. The infinity of God's creation embraces me.”
~ Michael Jackson ~

This month has indeed been a rough month, but at the same time…for my family…it’s also been a busy, happy, and momentous month. I am trying to reconcile both emotions in my mind…the yin-yang of it all…the difficult balance. We celebrated my mother’s birthday on the 8th. I feel lucky to have her, at 72, still in my life. She is an amazing mother and friend. She has always been in my corner. I know one day she will go, so I will enjoy and respect her TODAY as much as possible! We also celebrated my only child, and daughter’s birthday on the 11th. This b-day was bittersweet for me since she turned 18. I’m not ready for her to be so grown-up! I’m proud of her and love her terribly, but am sad at how fast she’s growing up. As much as I believe in her as a responsible young adult, I miss my little girl…the snuggling, the feeling that she really needed me every day. Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m an educated person, and I know this is the way of life. Intellectually, we want our children to grow-up, mature, and begin an autonomous life…..but my heart cannot help but feel the weight of it all. Knowing that this is the way life works, and feeling it in my heart, are two very different things! This next quote by Michael put these feelings in perspective for me:

“Human knowledge consists not only of libraries of parchment and ink - it is also comprised of the volumes of knowledge that are written on the human heart, chiseled on the human soul, and engraved on the human psyche. ”
~ Michael Jackson ~

 

HAPPY DAY OF BIRTH TO YOU…..SWEET SPIRIT…..SWEET MICHAEL…..MY MICHAEL

I celebrate you today, as I do every day.……....

 

 

I’ve felt like a shell my whole life…like my insides are disconnected. There’s a live, raw, wire in there. I’m missing a ground wire…..Michael was it. Having a baby in my 30’s has given me some relief for the past 20 years…thank God, because I think I would have imploded after June 25, 2009 otherwise.

The past 5 years has been worse. That shell is more fragile. The live, raw, wire, more frayed. Watching my only child grow up these past 17+ years has been THE ONLY thing keeping me “sane.” Making sure her life goes well, and she is happy and healthy, is what gives me the biggest purpose. Writing my first book in 2009 was very purposeful also. Other than bringing McKenzie into the world, it’s the next most important thing I’ve ever done. But she is growing up…and away from me…

Somehow, this makes me feel even more like a shell. I’ve tried my whole life to be normal and happy, sometimes for actual, intrinsic, reasons, but mostly simply for outward appearances….because I’ve always been longing for Michael…wondering about Michael…lit up inside only for Michael --- sad really, most of my life. My memories show me that I’ve been mostly faking happiness all my life….faking normalcy. Of course I do have happy memories. My parents (especially Mom) worked hard to give these to me. But I always felt like an outsider…a foreigner in my own body even. I’ve felt like this since at least Kindergarten. This is at age 5. I have memories of not wanting to sit at tables with other kids. I remember my teacher, Mrs. Faulk, encouraging me to play with other kids, and me not wanting to. I still remember my home address: 123 Arizona Street.

That feeling of being separate and different never left me. I felt lonely and outcast all my life…with no ‘apparent’ reason for it. I made good-to-great grades in school. I was usually on the honor roll. There were many children whom tried to be my friend. I had a few, but mostly felt like I had to have friends…not that I really wanted them. I have never really “clicked deeply” with any one person. Weird.

I believe I was born into my life already in love with Michael. I consciously remember becoming aware of Him; how much I loved Him, and how much it felt like I already knew Him. This was when I was about 6 &1/2 years old…around 1969. I don’t remember knowing anything about Michael Jackson when I was 5, but maybe I’d heard a song, or saw a photo by then. Or maybe, and this is what I think; it was past memories of Him…of us…in some capacity. I was always a serious kid, you know, contemplative. I wondered a lot about where we come from and where our spirit went after death. I always believed we had souls/spirits, but I did not always believe in the Catholic…or even Christian, doctrine. I had lots of questions. I felt like an adult in a kid’s body. I was raised Catholic and christened when I was a baby, but was never a believer, nor ever considered Christ my savior. I actually had a lot of animosity towards the church, even as a young girl.

As an example of my serious, contemplative, and rebellious nature: One morning at St. Peter’s Catholic Primary school, while in 3rd grade as an 8 year old, I decided to refuse to stand and say the Pledge of Allegiance and The Lord’s Prayer out loud…like we did every morning. I’d finally made my mind up about the pompass, pondering, patriarchal, pontificating, priests. So, I refused to go along as I’d done for 3 years. Making the sign of the cross with the Holy Trinity, I’d noticed we said: In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. I used to ask my mom, “Where’s the mother and sister?” Hmm? Sounded like a ‘good ole boy network’ to me. NO FEMALES ALLOWED! Well, by 8 years old I knew that was a load of crap. Plus, I knew that MY Holy Trinity was way cooler than theirs. It was Mother, Father, and Child. Simply beautiful.

So you see, my mind has been pretty darn clear on the subject of spirituality; religion; right and wrong; love and hate; needs; rules; and idiotic notions of living with blinders on.

 

 

Four years and three months since My Michael passed from His earthly human bondage into the heavenly Light of God. The time has passed quickly…as time tends to do. These past 4 years have been marked with the passing on my last grandmother, the passing of Michael, the passing of my father, and the passing of my daughter’s high school years! In that order.

I wasn’t very close to my Momo B., but I still miss her. 4 days later, Michael passed…I do miss Him very much, although to an outsider it probably seems quite strange. 7 months after Michael, Dad passed. I miss him too, and wish he was still sharing his life with Mom and us. And my daughter McKenzie, well, her senior year began the middle of August, but I know it will speed along. I’m so proud of her intelligence, beauty and talent. She’s amazing! It’s the end of an era…her childhood, and the beginning of something very new and exciting. I wish for her happiness and wealth!

AEG…not responsible… Hmmm… I believe that many should be held responsible: Michael included. I know that sounds like blasphemy to many fans, but it’s not…and I feel Michael knew it was wrong to do what He was doing to His body. I think He was always so strong and healthy and creative, that He never let it really sink in that there was a chance of seriously getting hurt.  But He was very intelligent, and I’d bet He knew better…He just put His life in the wrong people’s hands. He trusted that nothing would ever happen to Him, and that was His mistake. As you can probably detect, I’m still a wee bit angry at Michael. I just never imagined being on Planet Earth without Him somewhere on its surface. I wish He had not been so reckless with His life. In 1969, at 6&1/2 years old, I recognized that I loved Him and had loved Him beyond this lifetime. I am so sad that He is gone.

 Although I love Michael with everything I have, I really didn’t follow the trial or read a lot about it. None of it will undo the terrible loss we feel. Nothing will bring Him back to His kids, to His mother, or to me. Through my love for Michael I have solidified my belief in the ethereal world; my belief in God; my belief in multiple dimensions; my belief in myself and my own knowledge. Thank-you My Sweet Michael…….Until we meet again, I’ll see you in my dreams and visions……

I had a very intense dream last night with Michael.
 A couple months ago I had one, but it seemed to have been interrupted, and my mind went blank as soon as my eyes opened. This was upsetting because I love remembering my dreams...especially Michael dreams. I was sad to have lost it. I've been worried lately about not having Michael visit me in my dreams and I've had a lot of other stuff on my mind...so my dreams have been VERY vivid...some so weird, some creepy, some scary...but all intense. Each night before I turn the bed light off, I put my head phones on (so I can press them tightly against my ears) and I listen to Michael singing. I love the slow songs, where I can actually hear Him taking breaths between words. Last night Michael came to me in a dream...as a child. We were both children in the dream. I've only had one other dream where He and I were children. That dream I had when I was a child myself. It was my first Michael dream, titled "Peeking At God." Anyway, last night Michael reminded me of the bond we share...the love. He reminded me of the beginning, of the "before time" feeling of our connection. It was an intense dream...ending in both of us crying. Not only was He reassuring me in the dream...I was reassuring Him. But the overall feeling was sadness at being apart. The tears made my face wet, and I remember the feeling of Him holding my hand and hugging me...looking into my eyes. I turned 51 on March 29, and of course I thought of Michael because we shared the number 29. I thought about how He almost made 51. He missed it by 2 months. I told people how strange it felt to be 51 because I remember my WHOLE life. I still feel like a kid...in spirit...so new to the world...A Kid At Heart, always. I believe Michael managed to get through my crazy dreams of late, and did it in the form of His child self...because that's what we all are.....children.....As a species we have such a long way to go. I don't know if I'll ever feel like a grown-up. I'm still wide-eyed and bushy-tailed! Michael was and is God's representative for the New Age of the Child. And I fell in love with Him (in this lifetime) when I was a child of 6 & 1/2...back in about 1969.....I miss Him so much. He is the only man that I have been in love with ever. I don't know how it was possible or "fair" of God to keep me from my only true love and soul mate. But I am grateful to Michael for visiting me in dreams and visions...to say "Hi. I love you too."

RESPONSIBILITY is a big word...in more than one way. I have been thinking about this for a few weeks now. It all started with a very personal incident involving my daughter. She did nothing wrong; she is quite a RESPONSIBLE teenager...But something was said and done that hurt her feelings, and nearly enraged me! I have always had sole custody of her, and have tried to keep her very connected to her dad and his parents. I have always had her keep up with phone calls. I also send photos, art work, school papers, and report cards... Every year I send Christmas gifts to them all, birthday gifts to her dad, along with Father's day gifts...or at least cards...which is all more than they have ever reciprocated to me. Of course, they send gifts to McKenzie, but never to me. My mother even sends then shelled, toasted and seasoned pecans every Christmas. 
                Anyway, this Father's Day we mailed McKenzie's dad a gift as a surprise! The very next week was his birthday. We did not send another gift, but she sent him a special Birthday text (that's how they usually communicate) and she sent him a birthday card. WELL... He sent her a hurtful text fussing her for not remembering his b-day! He said he never got the text, and the card had not arrived yet either. He told her she should have his birthday in her IPhone so she would remember it! And as if this wasn't enough, his mother called McKenzie too and fussed at her! She said McKenzie was old enough to be more RSPONSIBLE and not forget her dad's birthday! McKenzie didn't tell me about all this for a couple days because she was upset. Was I upset? OMG! 
                I wrote her grandparents an amazingly coherent and wonderfully worded letter...discussing this word "RESPONSIBILITY." I reminded them that she was an honor student, and very RESPONSIBLE. I explained that she had NOT forgotten his b-day...had sent a birthday text and a birthday card. THEN I told them how we had mailed him a great Father's Day gift only the week before! I asked them if her dad had mentioned this, as he was complaining about the supposed forgotten b-day? I'm sure he did not tell them, because he's a mama's boy and a baby! 
                I also brought up HIS "RESPONSIBILTY" (or lack of) as a parent. I reminded them how little he contacted her; how he has never participated in any Christmas or Mother's day activity with her, concerning me...as would have been appropriate and sweet, over the years...and would have helped them stay closer to each other, and helped us remain connected as a "family." I also gave then banking information showing how little he contributes financially to her upbringing. In April I received a whopping $186 and in May a whopping $172! I asked how happy they would be if I was their daughter and this is what I got as child support. I asked them how far do they think this amount of money goes to helping with utility bills, food, new contacts, a new retainer, shoes, car insurance, gas for her car...  I reminded them that over the years, he has always "let" me assume the brunt of the financial "RESPONSIBILITY." I asked them why was Darren's feelings more important than McKenzie's feelings and welfare, and why weren't they talking to their son about his Responsibility?
                Yeah, RESPONSIBILITY...that's a pretty big word, with a pretty big concept behind it. 
                We all have burdens to bear, and tribulations in our life...but still...we have to be RESPONSIBLE. I LOVE being Responsible for my daughter. She is growing so fast...I will miss being Responsible for her; doing things for her. She is my only child...(Her dad's only child as well.) She is my EARTH ANGEL. I love her so much.
                Seeing all the maddness happening with the Jackson family made me think of my daughter and this incident again. I am sure that Michael is not happy about what's been going on. Someone is manipulating His beloved mother and the children He loves so very much. I imagine that I know how He feels...RESPONSIBILITY is at the heart of this mess. Michael tried to be Resposible all His life with His family. He helped support them for SO MANY years. Someone is not being Responsible for their actions. Feelings are being hurt and I think money is involved as well...no matter what they say. It's funny, but on a much smaller scale, FEELINGS and MONEY were at the heart of my family incident just as Michael's family's incident. It doesn't matter how much, or how little, money is involved... The bottom line is people have to make a conscious decision to be RESPONSIBLE and to RESPECT the people in their life.